a dysfunctional inclination
by Amenah
Summary: I bet it never occurred to you that I can't say hello to you, and risk another goodbye. —jerza. for Evie.


_The cover image was drawn by Milady666 on DeviantART. Isn't she amazing? *o*  
*summary lyrics from i almost do—Taylor Swift.  
_

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**title:** a dysfunctional inclination  
**summary:** I bet it never occurred to you that I can't say hello to you, and risk another goodbye. —jerza.  
**disclaimer:** not mine.

**dedication:** to Evie, for finally suffering through jerza's almost-kiss. Here, have a gift!fic.  
**notes1:** well, _I wonder_ what song I was listening to when I wrote this.  
**notes2:** jerza hurts. ugh.  
**notes3:** just to warn you, this doesn't really make sense.

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**.**

**.**

Erza hates this song.

It's sentimental and saccharine and self-pitying and everything that she _doesn't want to remember_. And it doesn't suit the mood at all, either — why the hell they're playing a break-up song at a graduation party, she doesn't know.

Then again, this is Lucy's playlist, and it's not really even a _party_. More of a 'last supper' get-together in the basement that's been their escape for the past four or five years in an attempt to hold onto something they know they're going to lose.

That's the curse of leaving high school. You've got to leave the good things, too.

She lightly scowls into her cup as she watches her friends messing about around her as if it's just another Tuesday night, before tipping her head and letting the bitter liquid pour into her mouth. (_It tastes like him on the nights they fought._)

"What are you having?" Gray asks from the beanbag beside her. Erza glances over; Juvia's sleeping form rests against him and his arm wrapped around her shoulders.

She accidentally smiles at the sight and then turns back to face the dimly lit room. "Dunno," she shrugs, taking another swig. She winces. "But it's strong."

Gray chuckles and nods wordlessly. They settle into the comfortable silence that they always do, and Erza lets her gaze float across the room. Natsu and Lucy are leaving against the opposite wall, talking quietly to each other — no doubt about futures and universities and train fares from one city to the next.

He says something that makes Lucy giggle, but then she freezes mid-laugh and her smile falls and suddenly it looks like she's trying to hold back tears. Erza understands without meaning to: _goodbyes are really hard_.

She doesn't want to think about that.

Downing the rest of the alcohol in one searing gulp, she gets up from her perch by the wall. Ignoring the look Gray shoots her, she leaves the cup on the floor, and leaves.

**.**

**.**

_"Is it true?"_

_He ignores her._

_"Jellal, answer me"_

_He shrugs._

_"Jellal, answer the fucking question."_

_He takes a deep drag from his cigarette, ignoring her as she tries her best not to cry. She watches silently as he languidly blows the smoke out in lazy plumes. "Is it that big a deal, Erza? If I go?"_

_She doesn't need to think about it. "Don't be stupid, idiot."_

_"Am I being stupid?"_

_"Jellal!" She's infuriated; her cheeks are heated, the night breeze is raising goosebumps on her arms, and the tears in her eyes are threatening to fall. "Are you going or aren't you!? Just tell me!"_

_Without warning, he drops the cigarette and crushes it under his foot; turning, he grips her wrists roughly and pulls her up to stare at her face. "Why do you care if I'm going or not, huh? What's it to you?"_

_Erza tries to take a step back but he holds her still — he's holding onto her with so much force, it hurts. As if he can read her mind, his hands tighten. She's not surprised, though, because he's always been like that, and he's always been able to know what she's thinking, even if she's not sure of it herself._

_"You've ignored me for the whole fucking year, and only _now_ you're talking to me? What the hell, Erza?"_

_She shakes her head weakly. "I haven't—"_

_"Bullshit." His eyes bore into hers, hazel and cold. "I've been fucking invisible to you. Why the sudden interest?"_

_She exhales shakily, trying to pull her arm away from him. "I-I wasn't ignoring you!"_

_"What, so you suddenly forgot about me? Is that it? Was I suddenly not good enough, not when you've got those new _friends _—" he spits the word "—_ _of yours to keep you company. Well, whatever, Scarlet. I thought you were done with me." He abruptly lets go of her wrists, and she stumbles backs slightly in recoil. "I've been done with you for a while now. So why don't you just leave?"_

_She's speechless — she tries as hard as she can to say something, say _anything_ to defend herself from his words but nothing's coming out. "W-Wait! Jellal!" He's walking away from her, his shoulders hunched and hands stuffed in his pockets. "Jellal!"_

_And she knows she shouldn't chase after him — she _knows_ she needs to let this go and say goodbye because that's what's best _for her_, but... but she is Erza and he is Jellal and she doesn't know how to be herself without him._

_She runs._

**.**

**.**

Her breath comes out in puffs as she turns the corner into the park. It's _freezing_.

Of course, he's sitting on the children's swing just like she knew he would be. This is where he always is when she needs to see him — it's like he knows what she needs even when _she doesn't_, and she doesn't even know if she hates or loves that about him.

He glances up when he hears her footsteps, and cracks a smile. "Erza," he breathes. Her name is entangled in a cloud of smoke as it leaves his lips.

**.**

**.**

_"Jellal, wait!"_

_She pretends not to notice that he slows down to let her catch up, instead launching straight into what she knows she _needs_ to say._

_"Look, I didn't come here to argue—"_

_He immediately cuts her off. "Can't help that, can we? It's what we do best, after a—"_

_"I just need to know, okay?" She has to finish this, she has to say goodbye properly. "Is it true? Are you leaving?"_

_Something changes in her voice when she says that— her vulnerability shows, and he notices it. Glancing down at her, the corners of his lips curl up. "So you _do_ care."_

_She wraps her arms around herself as she walks. "Could you just answer the question already?"_

_"If I do, will you stop talking to me?"_

_That freezes her in her tracks. He's stopped too, and when she stares up at him, she sees that he's dropped the mask he usually wears and she sees _him_, the boy that she can't seem to let go of._

_He smiles down at her wanly. "You finally have a reason to talk to me. Is it so bad that I want to get my money's worth?"_

_"J-Jel..."_

_"I wanna kiss you right now, you know." His eyes are glued to somewhere above her head; thank goodness for that because right now, her cheeks are probably as red as her hair. "Damn it, you piss me off more than anything, Erza, you know that?" Jellal scratches the back of his head, looking down at her wide eyes. "You run away when you get scared and you're determined about all the wrong things, and most of the time we're together, we're only just fighting."_

_"Th-That's..." It is true, and she knows it. That's why she wanted— no, _needed_ to say goodbye. She never wanted to. "So what?" she says instead. She glares up at him defiantly. "So what's the problem?"_

_He chuckles; his hands are around her wrists again, but he's gentle this time. He strokes the back of her hand with his thumb and she doesn't know why but just that alone makes her want to twirl and laugh and cry all at the same time. He sighs and his breath, smoky and minty, lightly wafts across her cheeks. "So what are we even doing? I don't wanna be around you when I'm just— I mean, it's not that I don't—..." As flustered as he is, his hands only tighten bravely. "I don't want to hurt you, Erza. Not you. Never you."_

_She doesn't know what she's doing when, despite the pink in her cheeks, she leans up on her tip-toes and kisses his cheek. Her heart seems to stutter but she doesn't care because that's not what's important right now. "Then don't," she whispers to him, her eyes glued to his._

_"I don't know how not to," he whispers back, his cheeks flushed and eyes lost._

_"Are you leaving me?" she blurts out._

_He stiffens. Her arms rise as if by instinct, and wrap around him. He's broad-shouldered and strong and she's known him for longer than she's known herself. And she doesn't understand him at all, she hasn't figured him out yet—_

_She can't say goodbye to that._

_"...Will you leave me, Jellal?"_

_He suddenly leans down and presses his forehead to hers. "Should I?"_

_Her breath is uneven. "I don't want you to."_

_"Then why did you ignore me?"_

_"I-I—..."_

_"Erza." His eyes are boring into hers. She can almost taste him, he's so close._

_Her voice is quieter than it's ever been. "I... was scared."_

_"Don't do that again," he whispers, matching her tone. "You don't need to be."_

_Erza can't look away from him. "Are you... leaving?"_

_His hands are playing with her hair. "...Would you come with me if I was?"_

**.**

**.**

"What are you doing here?" he asks her good-naturedly. It's such a stupid question; there's only one reason she would ever be here.

She doesn't say anything until she's standing in front of him. "I graduated today."

"I heard," he nods. He tosses the smoked-out butt on the ground. "Congrats."

She knows he's waiting for her to say something but she can't seem to think. It startles her when she feels his arms go round her waist; he stands up, and pulls her towards him. "J-Jel—"

"I missed you," he whispers, and the little smile on his face is the cutest thing she's ever seen.

**.**

**.**

_All of a sudden, her lips are on his and it's clumsy and short and when she's pulled away, she's pink-faced and laughing at his equally bashful expression.  
_

**.**

**.**

She laughs under her breath. "Good." His arms around her tighten in response, his grin widening. "W-When did you get in town?"

"Just yesterday."

She nods, her finger absent-mindedly mapping out a pattern on his chest. He still smells of smoke and mint and she didn't know a smell could make her feel so at home. "Is that so?"

He hums. "Was the graduation ceremony any good?"

"It was okay."

"How's Natsu?"

"He's okay."

"I hear he's still with Lucy, not that I'm surprised. Are they going to the same college?"

Erza shakes her head, still not looking Jellal in the eye.

"Well, they'll work it out. They always do."

She nods again.

_When are you leaving? _she wants to ask, but the words won't form in her mouth — something about Jellal always leaves her speechless, but that's okay because he's pretty much able to read her thoughts anyway.

"Something on your mind?" he whispers in her ear.

**.**

**.**

_"It's only one year, after all. Next year, you'll have graduated too, and you can— I mean, if you wanted to, you could... come... too. With me, I mean. Next year." He coughs. "If you— if you wanted to."_

_Erza can't remember when she last smiled so wide or when she was last so thoroughly embarrassed. "Yes, please."_

_Jellal is laughing at her and hugging her tightly and burying his head into her shoulder, a mirror blush on his cheeks. "Good."_

**_._**

**_._**

"W-When... are you leaving?" She buries her face in his shirt, breathing in his scent.

"You're coming with me this time, aren't you?" he asks her quietly. Erza glances up at him; he's watching her with warm hazel eyes.

She nods and his arms tighten around her.

"Then it doesn't matter."

**.**

**.**

**FIN**

**.**

**.**

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**notes4: **so basically i'm not 100% sure what happened here either? eh. But JERZA, am I right?  
**notes5:** Written in the last hour or so. Point out any mistakes or screw-ups, k? tankyu. *hug hug*  
**notes6: **honestly though, i kind of hate this. /siiiiiiiiiiiigh


End file.
